Tonight, I Cry.

Tonight, I cry.
I cry lots and lots of tears because I know tomorrow is coming.
Tomorrow is September 12.
Tomorrow my Papa would have turned 85.
Tonight I cry because I won't send him a birthday card this year or call him and hear his voice.  Samuel and David won't gather around my phone and sing "Happy Birthday" to my Papa.  I cry because I hurt.  I miss him so terribly that it burns.

I have tried to prepare myself for tomorrow, but it's not working.  I have tried to keep busy and distracted today, but that's not working either.  

I started crying on Sunday...well, let me back up...I cry every Sunday.  I have cried every Sunday since Christmas Eve.  Not kidding.  It usually hits me when I am getting ready for church.  I cry in the shower and try to get myself together before my boys see me or before I have to put on stinkin' make up.  I think it hits me so hard on Sundays because I know my Papa loved his church.  He loved being an usher and greeting people at the front door.  He loved to serve others.  I am sure that the ushers at our church think I am the most horribly rude person ever because I squeak out a good morning, grab a bulletin, and rush past them.  I can't look at them...they remind me of Papa. If he were still alive, he'd be greeting people at the door with that big smile and those beautiful blue eyes.  And so, I cry on Sundays...every Sunday.  

I think about my Papa every day.  I miss him every day.     

So tomorrow, on my Papa's birthday...I will cry.  Probably lots and lots of tears.  And that's ok...

I'm ok with the tears because I am blessed.  I am blessed because I know first hand what it feels like to be loved unconditionally and to love someone very deeply.  I am blessed because of all the lessons that I learned from my Papa.  I am blessed for the 33 years, 4 months, and 14 days that I had with my Papa.  I am blessed that I grew up with the influence and wisdom of David Carlton Farmer in and on my life.  Praise the Lord.  Thank you, Jesus, for that sweet wonderful man that I called my Papa.

And so, I will still cry.  A lot...and probably for a long time.  Because I miss my Papa.  I miss everything about my Papa.  But within this hurt and grief, there are blessings.  I see those blessings very clear through the tears and the hurt.  I know that there are good, happy tears within the sad tears.  

So, tomorrow on September 12 - I will cry, I will mourn, I will grieve...but I remember...remember countless memories of my Papa and the endless love that he gave to me...and for that, I am forever thankful.

Happy Birthday, my Papa.  I love you with my whole entire heart forever.