I cry lots and lots of tears because I know tomorrow is coming.
Tomorrow is September 12.
Tomorrow my Papa would have turned 85.
Tonight I cry because I won't send him a birthday card this year or call him and hear his voice. Samuel and David won't gather around my phone and sing "Happy Birthday" to my Papa. I cry because I hurt. I miss him so terribly that it burns.
I have tried to prepare myself for tomorrow, but it's not working. I have tried to keep busy and distracted today, but that's not working either.
I started crying on Sunday...well, let me back up...I cry every Sunday. I have cried every Sunday since Christmas Eve. Not kidding. It usually hits me when I am getting ready for church. I cry in the shower and try to get myself together before my boys see me or before I have to put on stinkin' make up. I think it hits me so hard on Sundays because I know my Papa loved his church. He loved being an usher and greeting people at the front door. He loved to serve others. I am sure that the ushers at our church think I am the most horribly rude person ever because I squeak out a good morning, grab a bulletin, and rush past them. I can't look at them...they remind me of Papa. If he were still alive, he'd be greeting people at the door with that big smile and those beautiful blue eyes. And so, I cry on Sundays...every Sunday.
I think about my Papa every day. I miss him every day.
So tomorrow, on my Papa's birthday...I will cry. Probably lots and lots of tears. And that's ok...
I'm ok with the tears because I am blessed. I am blessed because I know first hand what it feels like to be loved unconditionally and to love someone very deeply. I am blessed because of all the lessons that I learned from my Papa. I am blessed for the 33 years, 4 months, and 14 days that I had with my Papa. I am blessed that I grew up with the influence and wisdom of David Carlton Farmer in and on my life. Praise the Lord. Thank you, Jesus, for that sweet wonderful man that I called my Papa.
And so, I will still cry. A lot...and probably for a long time. Because I miss my Papa. I miss everything about my Papa. But within this hurt and grief, there are blessings. I see those blessings very clear through the tears and the hurt. I know that there are good, happy tears within the sad tears.
So, tomorrow on September 12 - I will cry, I will mourn, I will grieve...but I remember...remember countless memories of my Papa and the endless love that he gave to me...and for that, I am forever thankful.
Happy Birthday, my Papa. I love you with my whole entire heart forever.
