Considering it all joy...

This week has been tough.

I have been anxious and scared this week.

I know better than to be anxious.  I know WHO holds tomorrow.  I know WHO holds me.  I know it in my head and I know it in my heart.  Yet, one of the gifts God gave me is a vivid imagination...and it's also one of the things that the devil likes to use as a tool to send me right into a whirlwind of anxiety. 

Two weeks ago, my primary care physician referred me to an ENT (Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor).  I have been having some issues with hoarseness/tired voice, etc.  I knew where this was headed - I had been down this road in college.  But still...anxiety was waiting to pounce.  I figured I would be waiting for weeks, but the ENT appointment was scheduled for Friday, October 26.  I was a little shocked that it would be so soon...so, I planned to take the day off of work.  Anxiety took it's seat - right in the front of my mind and made himself at home.  Stupid anxiety.  

On Monday, my Daddy sent me a text.  Now, my Daddy is a man of few words, and his texts are very similar.  The text said "Papa has a mass on his colon.  He finds out Friday if cancer.  I will be going to GA early on Fri."  And just like that - not only was anxiety already in his favorite seat, but now he was dancing all over my heart.  My Papa is my Daddy's father - and I love my Papa more than I can even begin to describe in words.  I am quite sure that when God created the moon, my Papa helped Him hang it in the sky.  There is no other man like my Papa...none. I am his first grandchild, and we have this #1 thing...because he's the oldest of his family too.  He's special. 

And now...anxiety began to reek havoc in my life.  Both my doctor's appointment and Papa's appointment were on Friday...only hours apart.  It was just Monday...so, I prayed.  Every minute I found myself whispering a prayer for my Papa.  Please, God...please no cancer.  I held it together when I was distracted by work, piano lessons, doing things for the boys, etc...but when I was alone, I became a blubbering mess.  In the shower, I cried.  Alone in my car, I cried.  Trying to fall asleep was nearly impossible - and always tearful.  I mean, I'm the mother of two boys, so I didn't have THAT much time alone..not even in the bathroom, but when I did...the tears flowed.  Thursday night was the worst.  I kept thinking of my special "anxiety verses" from the Word...you know, we all have them...or maybe just me...those that I have memorized when anxiety takes his seat...and dances around in my head.  I mean, anxiety was having a dang party this week. 

On Friday morning, my Aunt Dianne posted this verse on her FB "When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I" - Psalm 61:2.  Yep.  I have been listening to Tamela Mann's "Take Me to the King" A LOT lately.  Powerful song.

 

Funny how God gives you just what you need when He knows you are supposed to have it.  I was all by myself on Friday morning.  I sent a FB message to some of my most precious friends, asking them to cover my Papa and me in prayer.  I couldn't read their replies because I knew it would make me cry...I read them later and cried anyway.  I knew I had to keep myself together for my doctor's appointment.  My Momma called..tried to keep it together.  Got dressed...walked downstairs and there was my Momma standing at the front door. That turkey!  Yes, I just called my Momma a turkey.  See...my Momma knows her daughter...and she knew I was scared.  And God sent her to me that morning...because He knew I needed her.  And yep, I cried.

But...when I got to the doctor's office...there was peace.  I can't explain it.  I was fine throughout the examination (well, minus the gagging and carrying on when the doctor tried to stick a mirror down my throat four times, then the tube down my nose...yes, lovely). And I'll tell you, there was even some laughter...like when I asked Mom was SHE ok...sitting back in the corner of the room listening to me gag my head off had to be a bit traumatic.  The doctor verified that I do have two small nodules (like small blisters on my vocal cords), but he said they were small.  I have a little bit of a journey ahead...speech therapy consultation...maybe even surgery.  He referred me to another doctor in the practice that deals with vocal cords. I have an appointment with her in December.  The news could have been much worse...and I was at peace.  Just have to take gentle care of my instrument...had to have a blood test to rule out some other possibilities...still waiting on that...

Momma and I ate lunch at Pawley's Front Porch...Momma said there was no way she could eat that whole burger, but she did.  And all those sweet potato fries too!  HA!  As Momma blessed the food, she prayed for Papa.  We knew that the rest of our family was at the doctor's office with Papa - waiting...then Daddy sent a text...remember, man of few words: "No cancer. Surgery soon."  Praise the Lord!  No cancer.  Hallelujah!   

All weekend, I have been praising God for His grace, His faithfulness, His provisions...praising Him for the friends that prayed for me when I didn't feel like I could pray for myself.  And do you know what's crazy!?  Tonight I had to run out to CVS and Publix...and as Tamela Mann was singing "Take Me to the King," so was I...just once...didn't want to overdo it...but I was getting my praise on because God is good...so very good to me.  And I kid you not, I have not had much a voice in weeks, but tonight I sang out to God for a whole four minutes...and I gave Him everything I had...because it's His anyway...the glory's not for us, it's all for You.